funnies

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt
unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he
asked the clerk. "That depends," said the salesman. "It could be
anywhere from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this
button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,"
he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people
see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
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What is the difference between musicians and mutual funds?
mutual funds 'mature' and make money!
 ...........................................................................................
A man feeling quilty about not paying his taxes correctly sent the IRS the following letter:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
............................................................
A six year old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father, trying to be understanding, told the boy "That's a serious step, Have you thought this out
completely?"  "Oh, yes", the boy said, "we can spend one week at her place, and one week at ours"
"And, I have a wagon and she has a tricycle, no problem with transportation".
The father then asked, "Well, what about babies, have you thought about that, that usually happens
you know, when couples marry?" "Oh, yes", the boy replied, "We're not having any"
"Every time she lays an egg, I'm gonna step on it!"
==============================================
NEWS:  Two boats collided today in Mobile Bay! 
One was carrying red paint, the other was carrying purple paint
The crews were marrooned!
==============================================

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon 
>>> and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the
>>>
>>>restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
>>>
>>>nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on 
>>>him.
>>>>>>
>>>   >> The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. 
>>> He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress 
>>> for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, 
>>> "Is that  Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said 
>>> to "give
>>>
>>>Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat."
>>>
>>>   >> The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on 
>>> crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, 
>>> sweet thang,  how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, 
>>> looked across the  restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" 
>>> The waitress nodded,  so the Redneck said to "give Jesus a cold glass of 
>>> coke, on my bill."
>>>
>>>   >> As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him 
>>> and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the 
>>> strength
>>>
>>>come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
>>>>>>
>>>   >> Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For 
>>> your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back 
>>> straightening up,
>>>
>>>and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of 
>>>backflips out the door.
>>>
>>>   >> Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and 
>>> yelled, "don't touch me..I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"
======================================================================================
A confused, young lady walked into 'Bed Bath and Beyond' and politely asked a clerk where she could find some
curtains for her computer.  The clerk looked puzzled and asked her why she needed curtains for her computer.
The young lady replied, "Well it has windows!".  
  
Later that day, the same lady went to Sears to buy a new washing machine.  The salesman came over to her
and helped her pick out a nice model and told her, " This unit will pay for it'self in no time at all"
The Lady said that she would take it.  She signed the credit application and had it delivered to her home.
Several months later, the salesman called her to ask why she hadn't made a payment on the account.
"Well, you said it would pay for it's self in no time, so why would I do that?!"  
 ======================================================================================

"Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting
like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back
and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough
in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with
her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
======================================================================================
(this is not a joke!)
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and
at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US
were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate
fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study,
it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy,
one man is cooking and the other is cleaning!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
 ..........................................................................................

DIVORCE!
Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,andasked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. 
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and
good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? - I got proof.

What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at 
Drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish
Remover".
Ok, Then, the lawyer responded, that'll be $5000.00
We'll sue on grounds of 'fearfull intimidation!'
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My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!"
the shaken man told the police officer.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said.
"How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

The man said, "I recognized the laugh!"
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NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator, the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a

monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and

says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

Keep scrolling down to unveil the

Suspense......................)

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,

and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he

hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks

what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're

not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and

goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man

breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix

his car.

That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had

heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks

reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to

become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and

tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact

number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you

will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years

later, he returns and knocks on the door of the

monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and have

found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232

blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on

the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We

shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head

monk says, The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to

find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the

monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door,

this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone

through doors of emerald,....

......silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door,

turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find

the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
__________________

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following situation:
 
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
 
Democrat’s Answers:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Should I call 9-1-1? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? What does the law say about this situation? Does the man look poor or oppressed? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. Ohhhhh, this is all soooo confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
 
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
 
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click .... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?" Son: "Can I shoot the next one, Dad?" Wife: "You Ain’t Taking That To The Taxidermist!"
 
I think the Republicans need to be having an early Thanksgiving to God!! God is good—All the time!

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied
the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went
back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have
a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

Content provided by:
'Chuckles'